K Rool and Ganon's Evil Alliance
by Emperor K. Rool
Summary: With help from Andross, King K. Rool and Ganondorf try to forge an alliance between all the Nintendo villains. Hilarity follows as they encounter senile simian emperors, their greatest professional rival, semi-literate penguin kings, mob bosses, and the great space dragon Ridley J. Scott!
1. K Rool Historia

I don't own _Super Smash Bros_. If I did K. Rool and Ridley would be playable. The Zelda timeframe is just before Zelda splits the timeline in _Ocarina of Time_ while the Donkey Kong timeline is just before DKC1.

The seven-year darkness that had engulfed the land of Hyrule was over. Link, whom Zelda was already sure history would remember as the Hero of Time, had defeated the demonic Gerudo King Ganondorf. Now the dark king was sealed away, never to be released. It was time for Zelda to reclaim her throne and for Link to be rewarded. He had sacrificed so much, missed so much. Zelda would give him the seven years of his life lost in his time-traveling back to him. Zelda had stolen those years from him by involving him in her childhood quest. Really it was not just Link, but all Hyrule that she had wronged. Ganondorf had only gained access to the Sacred Realm by her attempt to keep it safe from him. She had to send Link back to put the Master Sword back in its pedestal to sever the two timelines and fix her mistake. She also knew that this meant that she would loose him…

"When peace returns to Hyrule…it will be time for us to say—

Zelda stopped mid-sentence. The clouds around them disappeared, and they were back at the ruins of Ganon's Tower.

Link, ever silent, quickly turned his back to Zelda putting his sword and shield between her and the evil sorcery…

"Behind you, Hero." A refined yet menacing voice called.

Zelda and Link both turned in opposite directions at first, but there was no mistaking a fat Lizalthos with a red cape and a crown atop some kind of giant gray metal box big enough to fit ten soldiers in. There were knobs and levers and some kind of gauges, both with spinning needles and rising and falling fluids. Said Lizalthos sat in some kind of hatch near the back of the box,

"How did you interrupt my magic, you evil minion of Ganondorf?!" Zelda demanded.

K. Rool tried to hold a straight face, but he couldn't stop snickering? Him? A minion of Ganondorf?

The two Hylians stood speechless. This said nothing about the Hero, if K. Rool had done his homework correctly, but the Princess really seemed startled.

K. Rool finally broke out into a fit of full laughter before managing to get out the words, "Me? A minion of Ganon? Honestly…this is just, I'm sorry…to ridiculous." Another guffaw the humor was gone.

"If you are not with Ganondorf, then what magic did you use to bring us here?" Zelda demand.

K. Rool held up a finger and said, "Not magic, dear, science. What you are about to do will affect not only the history of your world, but that of mine and every other world."

Link said nothing.

Zelda put a hand to her mouth. "Other worlds?"

"Yes, your majesty. I'm King K. Rool of Crocodile Isle. I come from a world known as Mushroom Planet, and I am close ally of the sage Emperor Andross of the planet Venom. He created this device and sent me to your world and timeline to warn you of the consequences of what the two of you are about to do. We have covertly observed through space and time the effect of what you are about to do here today."

The noble Princess began to walk closer to the Lizalthos-like being from another world. The Hero remained tense, keeping his steely gaze locked on the being from another world.

"Doesn't say much, does he?"

"He is a valiant knight," Zelda said, apparently missing K. Rool's point.

Perhaps a silent minion had uses, he conceded. He was tired of overhearing his own minions talk about his weight. He wasn't fat, really. He was heavily muscled which anyone could tell by looking at his arms and pecs, but his inability to crunches combined with his gold plaited armor maid him look fat in the gut. Hero-boy over there could have any girl in Hyrule he wanted. But that was neither here nor there.

"If you send him back in time you will create two alternate timelines, and neither are any good for your kingdom."

"I pray thee, Lizard King, tell me what you and your master know."

K. Rool seethed with rage. His pupils dilated. It was rant time.

"Lizard King? I'm a crocodile, but what the heck would you know about that, coming from a temperate climate! And I don't have a master! Andross and I are equals! I'm not some royal vassal like the Zora King was to your father. I know all about your "civil war" and how your expansionist grandfather forced the Gorons and Zora to his side. Honestly, he was really no different than Ganondorf-in fact the actions he undertook against the Gerudo probably created Ganondorf. I am a crowned sovereign and you are not yet Queen of anything, so I would show a bit more respect."

Zelda bit her lip and responded, "How dare you, a non-Hylian make such accusations against my kingdom!"

Link suddenly remembered something he had seen written in the Shadow Temple about Hyrule's bloody and greedy history.

"Princess," he spoke.

K. Rool dropped his anger out of sheer surprise.

Zelda had only rarely heard Link speak.

"We should listen to your fellow ruler and not judge him only because he doesn't look like us."

K. Rool honestly did not expect this and began to clap.

"Oh, my dear Princess, you should make him one of your advisors."

Zelda needlessly held out a hand to prevent Link from making the attack he was never planning on making anyway.

"We shall hear him Link," Zelda said, as imperious as ever, "Speak creature."

Zelda was a foolish entitled brat, who couldn't see any flaws in her family's history at all. K. Rool, on the other hand, knew all of his family's flaws and embraced them. That's how his family had survived throughout Kremling history and how his grandfather was able to revive the monarchy as a hereditary dictatorship. He would now show Zelda just how incompetent she was. A perverse smile creeped across K. Rool's mouth as he barred his fangs.

"If you create two time lines, Link will go back to the past still bearing the Triforce of Courage, which will make the past Triforce of courage disappear and split the Triforces of Wisdom and Power between yourself and Ganondorf. There will be a massive war between the Hylians and the Gerudo which will result in the Gerudo's near annihilation. You'll capture Ganondorf, but he will be fueled by anger and powered by the Trifocre. He will kill the Water Sage and get banished to the Realm of Twilight, where he will ally himself to certain angry Sheikah descendants from much further from your past." K. Rool paused a licked his fangs. "I actually like the poetic justice of that timeline, pity it happens to a better Zelda."

Zelda felt her own rage boiling but began to consider the Kremling King's words. The Hylians had banished or killed large numbers of Sheikah in the past. Her own time with Impa had made her sympathetic to the Sheikah, and she was at last forced to conclude that there was some measure of truth in this Kremling's words.

"What of the other timeline, your majesty?" She adopted a humbler tone. He had come to warn her, and she became furious at his own accurate analysis. She also had been disrespectful. "Please, forgive my angry words. You are right, I am still a Princess. You are already a King."

K. Rool smiled. He loved others to defer to him. That's why he hated Andross and Bowser.

"I accept your apology. But I must warn you the other timeline is even worse."

"What happens?"

"Ganondorf escapes his seal—there is no Hero to stop him and the King of Hyrule is forced to ask the Golden Goddesses to flood Hyrule. Your whole Kingdom is turned into a island chain. The Zora turn into birds after evicting the Gorons from Death Mountain—

"Wait, please," Zelda asked.

"Yes, what's wrong?" K. Rool arched the skin above his good eye.

"If everything is water, why would the Zora…"

"Don't ask me that! We have observed this timeline multiple times and have never been able to work out why the Zora do this. Consider the topic forbidden."

"Oh," Zelda said, and there it rested.

"There don't appear to be any surviving Gerudo or Sheikah in this timeline, apart from Ganondorf himself, and he is somewhat depressed about being the last Gerudo. Not so much angry this time, just pathetic. Oh, and your descendants are pirates."

Zelda gasped after processing all of this. "This timeline must never come to be."

"But it already has," K. Rool said. "Every time you travel through time and change things you create an alternate parallel timeline. Link's travels have already created a parallel timeline where he loses to Ganon and Twinrova is still alive."

Link tensed but said nothing.

Zelda had heard enough. None of these timelines were any good.

"What can be done?"

"The timelines I mentioned already exist and cannot be undone, but you can make a better new one: Keep Link in present!" K. Rool demanded, then he thought of a delicious detail that would hurt Zelda's feelings and seem logical to her at the same time. He struggled to keep a smile off his maw as he thought, _I love being cruel._

"And besides, keeping Link in the present is the best way to honor his responsibilities to Malon and their child…"

Link for the first time let worry into his face, but as usual remained silent. He relaxed his grip on the shield and sword.

Zelda turned to look at him. Betrayal struggled to make its way to her face, but concern cut it off. After all, they weren't betrothed, nor could they be. She was a Princess, he was a knight. She would have to marry for political advantage. Link was free to be with Malon, and given what they had just learned, he should be.

"Descendants of their child fight Ganon in both the timelines where he wins and the one where there's a flood. The two settle down and marry and a different descendant fights Ganondorf in the timeline where link goes back to the past. You really need to think of all the consequences when you put ten-year-old's mind in a seventeen-year-old's body," K. Rool said.

Zelda turned to face K. Rool again. She could say that she hadn't come up with the idea for time travel, but still, both she and Link had gone along with that plan, not that they had had much choice.

K. Rool simply pointed toward Link and said, "You two have a lot to work out."

Link still said nothing. He seemed frozen for the first time. There wasn't that wary energy that usually kept him animated even when he stood still. Zelda looked at Link and saw the fear.

What happened next amused K. Rool to no end.

"You need to return to your family," Zelda said, but Link simply shook his head, his resolve returning.

"First I must take you to Kakariko," Link said.

Zelda realized why.

"Link, you're forgetting I'm also Sheikh. I know I need to rally the people, but I can see about my own safety with Ganondorf gone."

That sentence really grated K. Rool. She was not safe so long as he existed anywhere in spacetime. She had insulted him and would pay for it…but not just yet. K. Rool had work to do. He relaxed when he saw Link get down on one knee in front of Zelda.

"I must protect you."

"Link, I don't need you to," Zelda insisted.

"My duty," Link said simply.

"Is to Malon and the baby."

Link nodded, raised to his feet, got on Epona and raced into the distance.

Zelda looked to K. Rool. "Thank you, your majesty, for your dire warnings. They shall not come to pass in this Hyrule."

K. Rool closed his eyes to begin a self-congratulatory speech, "Thank you, most honored Princess," only to open them and not see Zelda anywhere. Probably on her way to Kakariko.

K. Rool dismounted Andross's machine.

"Didn't even stick around to here my warning about how this affects other worlds? No matter, time to free Ganondorf."


	2. Introductions

Now that the Hylians were out of the way and the fourth timeline an established fact, K. Rool could get to the real purpose of his visit to this backward dimension.

Ganondorf's seal was supposed to be located herein the ruins of his tower, the spot that had once been Hyrule Castle.

 _I'd better help him conquer this world before those idiots rebuild it,_ K. Rool mused. _A tower is fortified like a keep and keeps are better than castles._

They were, weren't they? K. Rool had a keep and Bowser had a castle. K. Rool couldn't stand that turtle always trying to upstage him. It would be good if he had a scary wizard ally who also liked keeps. King Boo was a scary ghost friend, but he just had a mansion. What kind of hereditary dictator used a mansion? K. Rool's ancestors didn't resort to that even when they were real monarchs. Anyway, he'd get Ganondorf's opinion very soon.

The charges that Andross gave him were balanced with matter and antimatter in a stabilized distribution, but one click from the trigger K. Rool held in his fist, and the charges would create the tiniest holes in spacetime, enough for Ganondorf to break through the seal.

Standing in the grass, ten feet away from the Tower's ruins, K. Rool took a nervous gulp. He was confident he and the spacetime box-thingy that he still did not know what to call would survive. They were far enough away. He was concerned for his hearing though. He did not know how loud the explosion would be and eardrums were sensitive body parts. He didn't have external ears, but his hearing was as sharp as any mammal's and he wanted to keep it that way. Rock operas were one of the most pleasurable experiences in his life apart proving that he was the biggest bad in the multiverse.

He steadied himself and clicked the trigger.

Closing his eyes and falling backward on his own, K. Rool missed the force of the shockwave. The sound, however, it had been so loud that now he couldn't hear anything.

Panic seized the dictator-king's mind. He was deaf!

He was deaf…in Hyrule.

He'd lost his prized hearing because he had been stupid enough to take on this job personally. He would have to open his eyes and plot the course back to Crocodile Isle, but when he got there he would kill someone…it couldn't be Klump…keeping him around to mentally torture was just to fun…but someone significantly high ranking who could have warned him against this scheme. Them and their families…no…some one single individual from Klump's family. K. Rool kept his eyes closed and brooded on his comforting revenge.

He became so engrossed in his thoughts that he didn't notice that he could actually hear his pulse pounding in his ears. He slowly began to make muffled words that he could not understand. His grasp of Hylian wasn't good enough to pick up whole words from word pieces.

He stood and shouted, "Would you shut up!? I can't make out Hylian when I'm part deaf, you insufferable moron!" only to notice his mistake too late.

The green skinned and red haired Gerudo wizard stood before him.

"Oh, allow me to help you," Ganondorf said, and waved his hand.

K. Rool's hearing was back to normal, but he was now in Ganondorf's magical grip.

With a wave of the wizard's hand he was tossed onto the side of a large piece of stone debris from the Tower. His breastplate absorbed most of the damage, but he was still sore.

"Really, this is how you repay the being who just released you from your seal? By crushing my pancreas?"

Ganondorf paused for a minute. Keeping his hand in the air to resume magical control when it suited him, he pointed at the obese Lizalthos.

" _You_ freed me?"

Ganondorf then moved his hand to stroke his chin.

"Tell me, minion, how many of my forces are still loyal?"

This again? Zelda had been bad enough.

"I don't think you quite understand. I freed you because I have something far stronger than magic, and I have come to recruit you."

Ganondorf dropped his previous assumptions. This being clearly knew skills he himself did not and was no ordinary Lizalthos. But he had to make one thing clear.

"I serve no one."

"I meant recruit you as an ally. I would never succeed in controlling you." K. Rool was being entirely honest now. He had nothing that could match Ganondorf's magic, but Andross's technology was beyond either of them. All he needed to do was set the two against each other…

"I appreciate honesty," Ganondorf said, surprising the heck out of K. Rool with his tone. There was nothing threatening in it at all. He sounded completely _genuine_. K. Rool had created a work environment where everyone around him had to be superficially sycophantic if they wanted to live. He could get and demanded bad news, but it had to be couched in the right way. Few ever spoke to him with true conviction, but that was how he had just spoken to Ganondorf, and the dark lord was genuinely appreciative? He was supposed to be the most evil villain of all, but his next words were…honorable…

"I owe you a debt of gratitude for rescuing me from the seal, so please explain to me as best you can. I repay my debts."

"Hold on!" K. Rool shouted. "You are supposed to be Ganondorf Draugmire, the Evil King of the Gerudo! You're not supposed to honor anything! That's why I freed you! I wanted an ally as evil as I was!" K. Rool whined.

Before the Kremling King got another word out, the Gerudo King teleported in front of him and grabbed him by the throat.

"I have called myself evil, true, and to the Hylians I have been evil, but everything I did was for the good of the Gerudo!" Ganondorf shouted the last part at K. Rool.

"But what about Nabooru?" K. Rool gasped.

Ganondorf let go of K. Rool's throat and thought about that one. There were many painful memories there and he did not want to show weakness. He turned his back on K. Rool and spoke softly after carefully thinking on what he would say.

"We had different ideas on what was best for our nation." Ganondorf was not about to let this stranger see his tears. But how did the stranger know about him anyway?

Ganondorf turned again his eyes now blazing with fury.

"Who are you and how do you know so much about me? You are clearly not from Hyrule."

K. Rool smiled, exposing more of his fangs.

He bowed and held a hand out.

"My name is Crăşa II Rúlenstaen of Crocodile Isle, hereditary dictator of the Kremlings, but most people call me King K. Rool. I'm from a completely different world."

K. Rool expected Ganondorf to open his jaw in shock. Dark Lord of the Gerudo, however, just looked on, bored.

"I gathered as much. Get to your point."

How did Ganondorf know this? He'd only been familiar with the Sacred Realm and the abyss between dimensions, hadn't he? K. Rool would have words with Andross about this.

"You're not shocked that another realm, just as mortal as yours exists in parallel?"

"I've seen stranger," Ganondorf said, forming a green fireball in his hand, "Now please get to the point of this meeting. What do you have that is beyond magic?"

K. Rool paused for a minute to go over his answer. He caught the space time mechanism out of the corner of his eye.

"That," K. Rool pointed, "is how I came here. Tell me, Ganondorf, how familiar are you with the laws of nature?"

Ganondorf unwrinkled his angry face as he grew contemplative.

"How mean you?"

K. Rool smiled. He was now the teacher and Ganondorf the pubil. He wanted to keep that power dynamic going for as long as possible.

Confidently walking forward, K. Rool said, "Have you ever considered why objects fall, why it is easier for someone that weighs less to run than someone who weighs more?"

Honestly questions like that had not occurred to him, Ganondorf had to admit.

"They attempt to study such things in a way that can be tested is none as physics, and the attempt to study the tiniest building blocks of matter," K. Rool pointed to himself and then touched Ganondorf on the shoulder, "is quantum physics." K. Rool now circled around the Gerudo King. "And the study of time is temporal physics."

Ganondorf now smiled.

 _That's good_ , K. Rool thought. _You've whetted his appetite. Now withhold things from him. Soon he will be a puppet in your—_

"Could you bring me to your world to learn of these matters in detail?"

 _What a sucker,_ K. Rool thought.

 _He's using this a way to control me, and thinks I fell for it. What a sucker,_ Ganondorf thought.

Confident in his hold over Ganondorf, K. Rool said, "Of course, but first let me tell you about my master plan…"

Ganondorf felt all sense of wonder at the new technology leave him, to be replaced with inward laughter at the words "master plan." This K. Rool was not a leader. He was a child in an adult's body and seemed to thing evil was something to aspire to rather than a necessary part of leadership. He was pathetic and hilarious.

"My world is not the most technologically advanced. In fact, I was sent here by Andross, Emperor of Venom. His people have the technology to travel the stars, and it was his device that enabled me to come to this specific point…" K. Rool paused for dramatic emphasis. He would shock Ganondorf to his core with this.

"Let me guess…in _time?_ " Ganondorf didn't say it like it was a question.

 _Dang_ , K. Rool thought. He had under-impressed his student. He was in trouble now.

"I was just defeated by a Hero who wields a time-traveling ocarina. It seems like technology took a long time to accomplish what magic already can." Ganondorf ran a few fingers threw his hair, clearly bored and dismissive.

K. Rool's sore eye bulged with fury.

"Remind me again, why my technology saved your ungrateful butt when your own magic couldn't help?"

So, there was some fight in this…Kremling, was it? Ganondorf could play this game.

"Very well, I will concede that _Andross's_ technology may be more advanced than my magic, but you haven't demonstrated your own abilities, K. Rool."

K. Rool's rage reached ever lower and lower depths within his soul. His green scales began to turn red, and Ganondorf noticed.

"Hit a sore spot, did I?"

"Hey, shut up!" K. Rool shouted. He couldn't rupture a blood vessel. That had happened to his eye when he was hatching. That, along with his weight, caused everyone to make fun of him.

"I may not compare to Andross as a master of technology, or even less than you as a master of magic, but I've dabbled in both and the idea of combining them originated with me!" K. Rool panted as his scales cooled. "I think outside the box. This alliance between you, Andross, and me was _my_ idea!"

Ganondorf, thought for a minute. He doubted that K. Rool was intelligent enough to come up with this plan on his own, but this Andross intrigued him.

"Ok, K. Rool, relax. Combining magic with technology is an intriguing idea, especially when you are talking about the ability to travel the stars. I want to meet this Andross and give your idea a try."

K. Rool saw his way back in.

"Oh, I'll take you to Andross, and then you'll see exactly why you need me." He sneered and chuckled.

Ganondorf considered for a moment that he had misjudged the Kremling King.

"Why exactly do I need your help?" Ganondorf asked with just a touch of dread.

"Because…Andross is certifiably 100% off the wall craz-o."


	3. Andross, or: Knowledge is not Wisdom

**AN: Ridley might be playable now, but K. Rool still isn't, so…I still don't own Super Smash Bros. I might go a view weeks without posting as I have an annotated bibliography to get done.**

Ganondorf was not really impressed by the various flying machines or energy weapons he saw on Venom. His sorcery could do any of the things he saw these humanlike animals do with their science. He was more amused with the bowing and scraping his erstwhile proud traveling companion was doing.

"Hail Venom!" or "Long-live Andross!" preceded every checkpoint on their way to the dictator's inner sanctum.

After K. Rool bowed to a canine guard and walked in to the next chamber, really one narrow hallway after another, Ganondorf grabbed K. Rool by his neck. He could see the fear in the creature's eyes. He had only recently learned the name of K. Rool's species but had already taken to using it as an insult.

"I warn you, _Kremling_ , if you are lying about Andross's power, I'll rip out your soul for try to enslave me to a weakling."

Ganondorf now knew K. Rool hadn't freed him out of the goodness of his heart, and that he was also only a middle man in the affair, one who foolishly thought he was controlling all the events.s Ganondorf might be a latecomer to these doings, but he was the first male born to the Gerudo in one hundred years. It was his destiny to conquer all for his people.

"You say that now, but you will need me when we get to him," K. Rool wheezed.

Ganondorf loosed his grip around K. Rool's throat and walked past the Kremling King to the end of the corridor. The guard at this checkpoint was some kind of rabbit. Rather than bow to him and meet him on eye-level as K. Rool had done, Ganondorf stood at his full imposing height and looked down on the guard.

"I am Ganondorf Draugmire, King of the Gerudo. I have business with your master. You will let us pass."

The device K. Rool had given him, a small glittering metallic sphere that attached to his inner earlobe allowed him to hear everthing said in Cornerian in Gerudo. The guard's own translator worked just as well.

"You don't know where you are, do you?" The rabbit asked.

Ganondorf was confused.

"Aren't I on Venom? In Andross's domain?"

"Yes, and you have addressed the Emperor with disrespect, assuming to be his equal."

Ganondorf had had enough of this. He decided to form a fireball in his hand to scare the rabbit. For his minions to kill was one thing but when he killed, he wanted the opponent to be worthy of him. However, the instant he began forming the fireball he felt something painful surge from his knee throughout his body.

The mighty Ganondorf, bane of Hyrule, crumpled to the ground before the dreadful rabbit that held some kind of wand in his hand.

K. Rool laughed without ceasing before he finally reached the scene of the crime.

"Tasers, my favorite torture device!"

The rabbit applied another shock to the wizard and did not seem to be stopping.

"K. Rool, help me!" Ganondorf screamed.

"Will you follow my lead?" K. Rool said, wanting his entertainment to last as long as possible.

"Only until we are of this planet!" Ganondorf screamed.

 _Good enough,_ K. Rool thought.

"Guard, forgive my colleague. We have been invited by the Emperor."

* * *

"Stop snickering," Ganondorf commanded. They had passed through several more checkpoints where both K. Rool and the Geudo King had bowed, scraped, and sung Andross's praises. It was humiliating to Ganondorf. He was the most powerful being he knew of, yet he cowered in terror before these…tasers…

"It really is amusing though, considering your arrogance."

Ganondorf had to admit, K. Rool had a point. He had acquired such power in the last seven years that he had forgotten the times he had had to pledge fealty to the King of Hyrule on bended knee. All the Gerudo had had to, and for seven years none did. Few followed Ganondorf into the lush fields of Hyrule, but they were all free from vassalage, and could take what they needed from Hyrule without repercussion. What was their fate without him?

K. Rool paused, wondering what Ganondorf was so silent about.

"Is it really that painful for you to humble yourself when that is the best available strategy. I want to eviscerate his living body while he screams for mercy, but I know I can't achieve that right now." K. Rool said all of this in a low voice so that the nearest guard could not hear. He finally locked eyes with Ganondorf and whisphered threatingly, "I bow to no one."

"Nor do the Gerudo," Ganondorf whisphered back through grated teeth.

"Kremlings do," K. Rool said beaming with pride.

Ganondorf caught the disconnect.

"You aren't doing any of this for your people?"

Ganondorf thought he was ony righting centuries of wrong. Of course he would be king as he was King of the Gerudo, but he could never really separate his people from himself. What he did he did for all his sisters.

"Not really, despite descending from an incredibly advanced culture most modern Kremlings are driveling morons. Croodile Isle is overcrowded and polluted. The only thing my subjects are good for is forming a pile for me to stand up upon. That's why I want to rule the entire multiverse, to reinvent myself as a conqueror, like the Kremling emperors of old. Everyone under me can rot."

Ganondorf simply chuckled. "You're weak."

"Attachments make you weak. Loyalties make you weak. I have two simple obligations that bind me: stay in power and stay alive."

Gnondorf smiled, triumphantly. "Your people don't love you."

"Nabooru," K. Rool said, pretending to sneeze.

Ganondorf made a fist and was prepared to strike K. Rool, when the croc King wagged a finger and made a tsking sound.

"Our enemy here is Emperor Andy and not each other. Let's at least pretend to be allies until he's out of the way."

Ganondorf nodded. "And we will continue to be his sycophants until we find something we can exploit."

"There's the King of Darkness I wanted to ally with."

* * *

They entered a large room. Grey walls, steel tables, and black chairs with wheeled feet, were everywhere. Ganondorf could not recognize what the devices in the room were but K. Rool knew microscopes and computers when he saw them. Everyone was wearing white lab coats, including the elderly, hunchbacked snow monkey that approached them.

He raised one hand with unsanitary long fingernails to shake K. Rool's hand.

 _Wash this later_ , K. Rool told himself.

"Crăşa, my friend, you have brought the wizard."

Ganondorf could now see clearly why Andross was hunchbacked. Extending out of the back of his skull and all the way down the ripped lab coat to just above his pants was fleshy throbbing pink matter. Parts of it looked like a brain.

Andross noticed Ganondorf's curiosity.

"I see you are curious, friend Ganon." He extended his hand again. Following the same reasoning as K. Rool, Ganondorf accepted it.

"I am growing my brain so that I will know how to properly govern the multiverse. Already my psychic powers let me hear voices."

Ganondorf grew nervous at this. Was Andross on to them?

"For example, the thought that it is not masculine to work in ballet. Ridiculous, anyone can dance. I feel all these idiots' opinions and can counter them with equally thought opinions from others."

Ganondorf looked at K. Rool in amazement. _This_ was Andross's ability?

K. Rool simply looked back in a way that said, _As I told you—crazy._

"I can read your amazement," Andross continued in a self-impressed way, accurately getting that they were astonished but not picking up that they found him ridiculous. "I know all and see all, but I cannot be everywhere, which is why I need the two of you to conquer Hyrule and Mushroom Planet for me. I will equip your minions with the latest technologies and together we shall bring peace and order to the multiverse." Andross began laughing wildly.

He was interrupted when a female hawk in a lab coat brought a vial of some kind o blue liquid to him.

"Sir, it's time for your treatment."

Andross face flushed with rage.

"You dare interrupt my explanation of our agenda to these two minions!" Andross used his telekinetic abilities to lift the scientist off her feet and slam her to the wall. The force of the impact cause her to drop the vial which broke when it hit the floor.

Something clicked in Andross's memory. He was supposed to take his treatment at this time, and she interrupted him and dropped it.

"You fool! Those treatments are essential to my transformation! Distill another sample now!"

"I'm sorry, sir," she said and went back to a table that had some kind of cylindrical machine that had six tubes coming out of it. She pressed something on the table and the cylinder rotated.

"What were you about to drink, your majesty?" Ganondorf asked.

Suddenly Andross's face darkened again.

"I will not share my power with you! I know what you have done in Hyrule! You would force all life to serve you and grovel before you to satisfy your own ego. I am doing everything here to prevent the Aparoids from ruling. Our weapons must be both biological and technological like the Aparoids themselves are. And we must have a queen like they do. I am Corneria's greatest expert on bioweapons—I will be Queen!"

Andross lifted Ganondorf off his feat and threw him into the wall.

"You will never be queen, you foolish Gerudo! You will serve me!"

Ganondorf stopped resisting. He landed in a kneeling position.

"Please forgive my betrayal, Master." Ganondorf did not know if Andross was a self-serving ruler like K. Rool, or one who genuinely cared about his people like himself. What he did know was that by this point Andross was too crazy for the two concepts to even be distinct in his mind. He was insane to be sure, but he was also powerful. Such a combination was terrifying.

As one could predict, Andross read his mind and read it incorrectly.

"Aw, Ganon, my friend, you worry for me." As Andross said that, the hawk scientist returned with another blue vial. Andross took it and described its contents to Ganondorf.

"Bovine fecal matter combined with megavitamins, steroids, and opiates. It makes my brain grow and gives me my abilities. There was a risk of megalomania, paranoia, and organ failure, but as you can see, none of that has happened." Andross then proceeded to calmly down the contents.

 _The great leader_ , K. Rool thought sarcastically.

"That's right, Crăşa, I'm a very great leader," Andross acknowledged the perceived genuine compliment, before turning to Ganondorf.

"Friend Ganon, we will bring you the necessary technology to communicate with us back in Hyrule, where you will continue in your quest to obtain the three pieces of the Triforce—for me!"

"Yes, Master," Ganondorf said with as much false enthusiasm as he could muster.

"And K. Rool, you know what part of the plan you must accomplish on Mushroom Planet?"

"Yes, sire."

"Good. You will need the turtle's help."

K. Rool's scales reddened with increased blood flow. The Kremling leaders had always played second base to the Koopa. Despite the Kremling's having far more territory and resources outside Crocodile Isle, Darklands was seen as the greatest threat to peace and stability in Mushroom World…simply because they lived closer to the Mushroom Kingdom. The two superpowers had had a rivalry that went on for generations. It was ridiculous. Aside from a failed attempt at Princess kidnapping, Bowser had done nothing to establish himself as the most evil being on the planet.

Still, K. Rool let his rage subside.

"Yes, Master."

Andross chuckled, for once reading things correctly.

"Crăşa, dear Crăşa, I know of your rivalry with the turtle, but I must acquire every ambitious leader I can find for my cause."

Ganondorf thought about what Andross had just said. He had effectively just called K. Rool and Ganondorf ambitious minions to be manipulated. He'd just made both of them invested in his own downfall. He was an idiot…but a dangerous one.


	4. Bowser, or The Turtle, or The Nemesis

"So, this is your home?" Ganondorf commented noting the rocky soil and rivers of lava.

"Homewold," K. Rool said, "Not homeland." K. Rool waxed nostalgic for a moment. "Where I come from there colorful jungles, misty forests, flowing swamp waters, mines with glittering crystals, gardens of giant brambles and a towering snow-capped mountain were my Keep sits…"

K. Rool paused, closing his eyes. A tear ran down his cheek.

Ganondorf nodded. He could see that K. Rool loved his home island. Ganondorf wished to be able to say the same things about the Gerudo Desert, but he could not. The wind was always too hot in the day, too cold at night, always bringing death. That was why he wanted Hyrule for his people. That was what drove him to conquest. But K. Rool was already content.

"Why do you want to rule your world if you already love your island so much?"

K. Rool snapped his head in Ganondorf's direction with a speed that should have broken his neck.

"Because I hate my people! Two hundred years' worth of industrial pollution, combined with centuries of overcrowding, have turned my island paradise into a dung heap! I blame the Kremlings peasants for having too many children, the now extinct Kremling bourgeois for not weighing the cost of their inventions—and my cousins in the senior royal line for not keeping them in check before the revolution. I want a still beautiful place to have a private residence and govern from."

"And for your people to have more room?"

K. Rool scoffed.

"I don't want them ruining things again. No, this island would only be for me and the members of my government I can't dispense with. The rest can stay on Crocodile Isle and rot."

It suddenly occurred to Ganondorf that K. Rool was the most self-centered being he had ever met.

"You are truly pathetic," Ganondorf said.

K. Rool completely missed Ganondorf's point.

"I may not be the reincarnation of a demon king, but I still have more intricate plans than you do."

"What?" Ganondorf said. This was the first time anyone had ever told him anything like that.

"Trust me, Ganon, I watched alternate histories of Hyrule before I rescued you. You, or to be more specific, that pig thing you turn into, is Demise 2.0."

Ganondorf could not believe what he was hearing. His magic and dark powers that he thought came from being the Desert King were his because he was the ultimate evil—well, almost ultimate—even Demise obeyed the Dark Goddess Majora. He wasn't just evil to the Hylians, he was almost evil itself. Ganondorf doubled over feeling sick.

"I'm a monster!" He moaned in despair.

"And you're ashamed of it?" K. Rool asked, not getting the problem. "I would literally kill to be the reincarnation of Demise. Fortunately, no one has found Majora yet…"

Ganondorf threw a fireball at K. Rool that the Kremling only narrowly missed.

"You don't need demonic enhancements. You're evil enough on your own."

"You really think so?" K. Rool asked, now desperate for Demise's approval.

"If you were connected to Demise or Majora, you could destroy the entire multiverse."

K. Rool smiled.

"Great! Then together we should have no problem forcing our will on Bowser."

"Who is this Bowser everyone speaks of?"

K. Rool pointed to a castle in the distance. "Fire-breathing turtle. Owns the castle over there."

* * *

Bowser III, King of Darklands was depressed. His elbow rested on his knee and his chin on his palm. Even the sigh he let out seemed to be too much work. His energy and motivation were all gone. He had attempted to end Mushroom World's tripod superpower status by annexing the Mushroom Kingdom to Darklands, making his kingdom the global hegemon—and find a mother for his youngest child and namesake. Both plans had been dashed when that stupid plumber rescued Princess Peach. It was humiliating and was hurting his credibility as a ruler. He wanted to make Mario pay, but that would be another costly military expenditure that the senate probably wouldn't approve. In short, Bowser's reign was at its lowest point since Clawdia died.

 _Clawdia…at least Larry knew her a little while. Junior didn't even get that much._

The marriage between Peach and Bowser was supposed to allow the citizens of the Mushroom Kingdom a sense of continuity under the new regime, while Junior would get a mother figure. The whole marrying Peach aspect was putting a major strain in the relationship between Bowser and his first-hatched, Ludwig. Somehow the younger Koopa saw it as a betrayal of Clawdia.

Maybe he was right. It was at times like this that Bowser needed his father figure the most, and that was just who opened the door.

"Kamek?" Bowser asked in desperation, though the diminutive Magikoopa could obviously be no one else.

"No, Sire, you don't have time to mope. King K. Rool is here with some human wizard!"

That was all Bowser needed to revitalize his energy. A new enemy, or rather an old one—Corcodile Isle was the other leg of the tripod besides Darklands and the Mushroom Kingdom, the one that everyone wanted to see fall.

Maybe the threat of K. Rool could force Bowser and Peach to form a natural alliance without him having to kidnap her?

"What does the fat alligator want?" Bowser asked.

"It has something to do with an alliance spanning several worlds."

 _Oh great_ , Bowser thought. K. Rool was bringing in this wizard to try to muscle concessions out of Bowser. Well, two could play at that game. Unless the wizard was a total idiot, he would know he couldn't trust K. Rool. All Bowser would have to do was offer himself as an ally instead of K. Rool. Maybe the Wizard could even help him with the Princess Peach situation…It was time for the Koopa King to put on his best diplomatic face. If he played his cards right, Darklands would be back on top very soon.

"Send them in."

Kamek bowed and exited the same way he entered.

The doors swung open and K, Rool and Ganondorf entered Bowser's throne room.

"The courtesy of your hall is exactly as I remember it, Bowser," K. Rool said.

"Yeah, you're kinda not welcome here."

"Naturally. The feeling is mutual, but I'm afraid we must talk to you."

Bowser tilted his head to look at the red-haired human wizard.

"You know I pay my minions better than he does…ack!" Bowser started to choke as Ganondorf formed a vice with his fingers.

"I am Ganondorf, King of the Gerudo and I am no one's min—ow!" While he was speaking Bowser exhaled flames toward him.

Ganondorf beat the flames of the side of his lower abdomen.

"That really hurt! You could have damaged an internal organ or something, moron!"

"It made you let me go," Bowser said nonchalantly.

Ganondorf saw Bowser's point.

"Fair enough. It's clear that the two of you don't like each other and we all want total power, so I suggest that I be the adult in the room and tell you why we're here. Then the two of you can get back to destroying each other," Ganondorf then realized the implication of what he said, "Only don't kill K. Rool as he's my ride home."

Bowser started chuckling, softly at first then in a full eruption of laughter.

"I knew it! Of course, you'd be too smart to work for K. Rool. You have your own agenda. My only questions are how do I benefit, and do we have to keep him involved?" Bowser pointed to K. Rool.

"Hey!" K. Rool shouted. "I've been the most instrumental member of Team Andross so far!"

Bowser stared, confused.

"What's Team Andross?"

"K. Rool and I are building an alliance for helping Andross, Emperor of Venom, take over the multiverse. Naturally we plan on backstabbing him at the last minute."

"Ok, I'm interested," Bowser began, "But what has he promised croc-boy?"

"Boy!" K. Rool sneered, "I'm old enough to be your father! Cranky Kong and myself are the same age you know."

"Still sore about us helping liberate DK Isle from your empire?"

"We still have Forever Forest on the border of yours!"

"Both of you should up!" Ganondorf shouted. "Now who in the abyss between dimensions is Cranky Kong?"

"An elderly ape and ruler of DK Isle."

Ganondorf looked at K. Rool with arched eyebrows. "Is everyone you know a senile gorilla?"

"Don't be absurd. Bowser is a middle-aged turtle."

Bowser caught on to what they were saying very quickly.

"Hold on," he said between laughs, "Is this Emperor Andy guy a monkey?"

"Obviously," Ganondorf said.

Bowser just stared at K. Rool and laughed.

"How the mighty have fallen. When your dad was dictator monkeys took orders from you, now you take orders from a monkey!"

"Ha-ha, Bowser. Andross is my pawn, not the other way around, and we're here to offer you a slice of the empire when he's gone."

"And why should I help if you're going to end up in charge. We hate each other, K. Rool."

"Because _I_ will be in charge," Ganondorf butted in trying to steer the conversation back toward a productive conclusion. "There is enough multiverse out there for all three of us to rule. I understand that the two of you don't trust each other, so instead, trust me. I'm new to the levels of technology that the other worlds of the multiverse possess, so I require guides and teachers. After we get rid of Andross, I will need someone to instruct me on how to run his empire. K. Rool is smart, but he's also self-serving—"

"—And sadistic, and fat," Bowser said.

"You're one to talk!" K. Rool shot back. "I've seen how you eat at our international summits. At least I diet and exercise!"

"I exercise and don't need to diet!" Bowser boasted.

"Yes, yes. The strong Koopa. Enjoy all your tasty treats, Bowser. One of us is on track to develop diabetes and it isn't me."

Ganondorf rolled his eyes.

"My good reptiles, if we could get back to the topic at hand…" Bowser and K. Rool turned their glares away from each other and became quiet as the villain of Hyrule spoke. "K. Rool is one of my guides, but I understand that you have a wizard who is also a scientist, Bowser?"

"Yeah, Kamek."

"I propose that he be my other guide. Both of you would have access to me that way."

A devilish gleam came into Bowser's eyes. If Kamek could learn Ganondorf's secrets, then Darklands would have the most powerful sorcerer in the multiverse.

"Oh, I like the way you think, Ganon…um…Ganon…uh, what was your name again?"

"Ganondorf Draugmire, King of the Gerudo."

"And reincarnation of the Demon King Demise, chosen knight of the Dark Goddess Majora."

Bowser's mouth dropped. _That_ was K. Rool's plan? He knew the croc well enough to know that he would never tolerate anyone being more evil than he was. K. Rool was already well under way with some scheme to steal Ganondorf's evil essence and incorporate into himself. K. Rool was already too sadistic and selfish even for Bowser. If he could steal Ganondorf's nature as evil incarnate, he would be the greatest calamity the multiverse had ever seen.

"He's gonna betray you," Bowser blurted out.

"I already know," Ganondorf said. "He somehow thinks being the reincarnation of evil is some kind of blessing instead of a curse."

This confused Bowser.

"You think it's a curse?"

Ganondorf hung his head low.

"All I want to do is make life better for my people, but I only know how to do that with conquests and threats."

"I hear ya, man," Bowser said. "Yeah, I kinda want power, but all that really maters to me is finding a mother figure for my youngest kid. My wife passed just before he hatched. So, I invaded the Mushroom Kingdom and kidnaped their Princess. Got beat by a stupid plumber."

"I understand your position all too well, Bowser," Ganondorf said.

"Oh, come on!" K. Rool cried.

Both looked at him.

"Am I the only one who wants to be evil just because its stylish?"

Bowser just chuckled. They were in no danger from K. Rool.

"Tell your Emperor Andy-whatshisname that I'm in."


	5. Dedede or Appearances Deceive

This is primarily in the _Kirby_ game universe, but it takes a few things from the anime. It also references K. Rool building KAOS in DKC3. Dedede has a southern American accent and Metaknight has a Latin American Spanish accent.

Castle Dedede stood towering over Whispy Woods and Cappy Town. It wasn't that K. Rool or Ganondorf had a problem with domed architecture—but the dome on this building was too big to be supported by the structure beneath it—and the garish yellows and reds screamed "children's colorings." The two evil monarchs feared what kind of crazy being lived here and why Andross, hardly the beacon of mental stability himself, was so eager to enlist this person.

The castle was some distance away, giving the two villains time to reflect on their last mission.

"I can't believe that you and Bowser are just evil because you want something positive out of it," K. Rol said, "I consider evil to be a form of art, not a utilitarian concept. I oppress my people, have random executions, but it creates a mood of terror—not to make myself more feared, but to make myself into the perfect character."

Ganondorf contorted his face.

"Drama imitates life, K. Rool, not the other way around."

"But, drama is the product of culture. Life is crude, nasty and brutish. Everything that elevates it comes from culture. Drama is one of the highest marks of culture, and a drama is only as good as its villain is, and I want to be the best villain ever."

Ganondorf stood, dumbfounded.

"Your people are overcrowded, underfed, and living in filth and your chief motivation is to be some kind of actor?"

"I've already said I don't care about peasants."

"And what about the revolution? I thought it was anti-aristocracy?"

K. Rool laughed.

"I just said something ironic, didn't I?" Ganondorf said, more as a statement of fact than a question.

"My dear Ganon, you must forgive coming from a land so far advanced than yours. We've moved beyond feudalism and have things called capitalism and socialism. The revolution was supposed to be aimed at the industrialist and those aristocrats who supported them. It was never meant to help peasants. I'm of a different class altogether. Though I have aristocratic blood, first and foremost an intellectual. The revolution was essentially for us."

"And what is an intellectual in your definition?"

"Someone with a university degree. I'm not just a hereditary dictator, I have a Ph.D. in robotics."

"So basically, you know how to make machines."

"It's not just that! There's A.I. research and stuff."

"Don't you think your people should have access to these universities?"

K. Rool laughed.

"Tell me, Ganon, if you had the whole Triforce, would you go back to sharing it?"

"Of course not!"

"That's why I won't expand university enrolment. Knowledge is power, and I don't like spreading it too thin."

"Are you sure I'm the one who's the reincarnation of Demise, because you are the most entitled piece of work I have ever…"

"No, the pig monster you turn into is Demise. You are just a Gerudo King. But the sooner you embrace your inner Demise, the sooner your plans will start working out for you."

* * *

The strange, brown bodied creatures without mouths opened the double doors into King Dedede's massive throne room hallway.

The figure on the throne had to be Dedede, an enormous penguin wearing red a red robe and a red sleeping cap. On one side of the throne was a snail creature, on the other there was some ball-shaped being with a white metal mask and a dark cape.

K. Rool and Ganon both dismissed these two as insignificant. K. Rool started to speak, but Ganondorf beat him to it.

"Hail Dedede, King of Dreamland. I am Ganondorf, King of the Gerudo, and this is my minion, K. Rool, dictator of Crocodile Isle."

K. Rool seethed with that. He was about to shout a retort when Dedede got up from the throne and boomed in a drawling rustic voice, "Welcome ta Dreamland friends! We don't nohmally get no otha kings a vistin'."

The penguin stormed over to Ganondorf and nearly crushed him with a hug.

"Release me at once, you overweight bird! Don't you know who you're dealing with?"

A sadistic smile crept across K. Rool's face. Ganondorf could be King for this one.

Dedede let go of Ganondorf and pulled out his hammer.

"I trahd to be friendly, but now you disrespected me. Nobody does that in Dreamland!" Dedede began to savagely beat Ganondorf with his mallet.

"Actually, pretty much everyone in Dreamland disrespects him," the snail said.

K. Rool walked toward him.

"I take it that you are the power behind the throne?"

"Not really. My name's Escargoon. I'm King Dedede's chief of staff. I manage royal appearances and functions, and basically help the people find humor in the monarch. That's the only reason we still have a monarchy."

K. Rool noted Ganondorf's prostrate, whimpering form. "So Dedede has no real power?"

"Are you kidding? With our writing system and his eyesight he can only read books with big letters, so third-year student reading level. And with his country accent, no one can understand a word he says."

 _Why does Andross want him?_ K. Rool wondered.

Dedede turned to K. Rool. "Ah you his henchman?"

"No, I'm actually an independent monarch that is usually underestimated, much like yourself your highness."

"Whadda you know about me?"

"That you can only read large letters, so people think you are stupid."

"That's right," Dedede said. "It's insultin'. I once read _In Nightmayuh's Shadow_ , a fowuh hundred page dissuhtation on how to cope with living with a puhmanent enemy in owuh dreams. Theuh was a lota good suggestions theuh, but I needed a magnifyin' glass to read it."

The mention of this "Nightmare" being got K. Rool's blood flowing.

"Tell me, what does this 'Nightmare' do?"

"He feeds of the bad dreams o' people here."

"Is he an animal or does he have goals where one could partner with him?"

"He's smaht, real smaht. But he wouldn't wuhk with ya. He's a monstuh."

"Oh, but I'm a great negotiator," K. Rool said, licking his fangs. "He might listen to me."

"And Ah'm a great king but nobody takes me seriously. Just look at my tax plan. It woulda saved my people big and still given the govuhment funds."

Ganondorf, groaned. K. Rool had to hurry. Nightmare might be his answer to Demise.

"I'm sure it would have but can we…"

"Ah gave dolls o'me to the people for free, then every night at midnight Ah'd deliver a hypno message. It went like this:

"De-de-de, y'all like me.

De-de-de, y'all trust me.

De-de-de, I want y'all's money.

Put yowuh spayuh change in the doll."

"Theyuh extra cash was all Ah wanted but they threw the dolls away when the figuhd out what was goin' on. Ah'm gonna get back though, steal all theyuh food as a prank owuh somethin'."

This penguin was a comedic goldmine, but K. Rool had more important matters to discuss before Ganondorf woke up.

"All of this is nice, but about Nightmare. Is there a way to take his abilities for oneself?"

"Who'd want to do that? Nightmayuh's evil."

"But so are you!" K. Rool yelled. "Andross of Venom sent the two of us here because Dreamland is ruled by an evil leader who thinks his mission is good and will do anything to accomplish it."

"But Ah don't…" Dedede paused, "Hey, Metaknight, what is owuh mission."

"To keep de inhabitants of Dreamland safe and productive. Dey are all too lazy," The masked, caped ball guy said as he stepped forward.

"Thanks, Metaknight. All of yowuh ideas wuhk."

"I told you de tax scheme would fail. De food scheme will at least force de people to work togeder to defeat you."

"Right," Dedede said. "He's mah main strategist, you know?" Talking to K. Rool.

Suddenly something clicked in K. Rool's mind. Dedede was an ineffectual puppet. Metaknight wrote the dissertation on Nightmare. Metaknight was the one Andross had sent them to recruit.

K. Rool laughed. "Dedede, you aren't the king of anything. Metaknight is the one that Andross sent me to recruit."

"Ah'm the constitutional King of Dreamland!" Dedede screamed. He smacked K. Rool's jaw with his hammer and the Kremling King went flying.

Ganondorf snickered as he stepped out of the shadows, standing upright.

"I see that my minion has gotten in over his head, as usual."

"How long have you been up?" Dedede asked.

"Since K. Rool asked about a way to steal Nightmare's abilities."

"And let me guess," Metaknight said, "You want his powers for your own evil ends."  
"Quite the opposite," Ganondorf said. "I have been cursed to have the essence of the Demon King Demise in my own being. I wanted Nightmare to absorb this so that I can make plans of my own as Ganondorf without Demise's influence."

"Dat sounds like an honorable request, but I'm afraid that I cannot permit it. Nightmare is already too powerful. Taking on the essence of a Demon King would make him too strong," Metaknight said, emphasizing "I cannot permit."

"I don't care what you permit, you armored ball! Dedede is King of Dreamland, not you!"

"Yeah, but I trust most security mattuhs to Metaknight. You'd bettuh not mess with Nightmayuh."

Ganondorf now understood K. Rool had grasped earlier: Metaknight was the real leader. He chuckled.

"What's so funny?" Dedede asked.

"You, Dedede. You are a joke. Without your hammer, no one would take you seriously. Metaknight has to think of everything for you."

"The tax plan was MAH idea!" Dedede screamed.

Ganondorf, who'd been out cold for Dedede's chant earlier. There was only one thing that mattered to him. "Did it work?"

"Not when evuhbody found out I was hypnotizin' 'em."

"Ah," Ganondorf said with pride. "My hypnotizations usually work unless a certain green clad Hero shows up."

"All my math was right. It woulda balanced the budget."

"However, did it fall apart, I wonder?" Ganondorf asked with sarcasm.

"It wuhked until everyone noticed they wuh complementin' me."

Ganondorf slapped his knee and erupted into laughter.

"You are the most pathetic excuse for a villain I have ever encountered."

"Ah'm not a villain!" Dedede protested.

"No, you're a well-intentioned extremist. I give up, this has been a wasted visit. Come, K. Rool."

Ganondorf and K. Rool's semiconscious body disappeared in black smoke. K. Rool's last thought was _steal their food_.

Dedede stood apart from his staff. These two were evil, they had said as much. So, it was good for Dreamland that they were gone. Still Dedede felt a bit like a failure. They'd laughed at him.

"Am Ah really a good king?"

"Well, you could raise my salary," Escargoon said.

"Shut up!" Dedede said. "I just made two dangerous bein's leave, but it was because they thought I was pathetic. It's not a very heroic way to beat yowuh enemies."

"But you beat dem all de same, Your Majesty," Metaknight said. "Sometimes we must let people think the worst of us in order to do our best."

"I suppose yowuh right. It's just Ah'm tired of always bein' the clown you know."

"We could hire a dialect coach," Escargoon suggested.

"Are you sayin' everyone who talks like me is stupid?" Dedede rose the hammer.

"No, Majesty, not at all."

"Good, I ain't ashamed of the way I talk," Dedede paused, "Ah am ashamed of only bein' able to read in a suhtain way."

"Do not worry yourself too much, Your Majesty. You are fulfilling your constitutional role adequately. It is my own duties dat concern me," Metaknight said, turning his back to Dedede in order to contemplate his inner thoughts.

"Yowuh a good strategist, Metaknight."

"It is not enough to defend de people. Dey are too lazy for de Kingdom to last. We must make dem act, by force if necessary!"


	6. Giovanni, or Everyone Has a Boss

AN: I'm not trying to include every Nintendo villain, just the ones I know enough to write about.

Giovanni's meeting with Dr. Fuji on New Island was running according to schedule. In a fluid filled tube in the center of the room was the now adolescent Mewtwo. When it awoke and had full access to its psychic powers, it would be Team Rocket's ultimate weapon.

Fuji had stepped aside to make confer with one of the technicians, leaving Giovanni alone to stare at his creation. So far Team Rocket's schemes had mostly centered own acquiring wealth, the legacy of Giovanni's mother, Team Rocket's founder. The two had had a strained relationship over the fact that she saw wealth as an end, whereas as to Giovanni it was merely one of numerous ways to power. With Mewtwo, Team Rocket could take over countries and become a major geopolitical power. Even as Giovanni thought this, he knew he should not let his optimism get the better of him. Would Mewtwo one day want power for himself and try to dispose of Giovanni? Giovanni had forced his mother into early retirement but did not have the heart to kill her. Mewtwo, however was not Giovanni's child but his creation. If he grew tired of the short-sighted older generation, there was no blood tie to hold him back. If only Giovanni could make Mewtwo feel loyalty to him as his creator…but there was the rub. The Mewtwo project was not Giovanni's idea, and the research was not entirely Dr. Fuji's.

Few people believed in the existence of parallel worlds, though the study of some Pokémon species suggested such worlds existed. Giovanni however knew from personal experience. His mother's main financier had been a being from a place called "Mushroom World" : an anthropomorphic Feraligatr named King K. Rool. Giovanni wanted Team Rocket to have independence from its extra-dimensional backer, but when his big projects inevitably came, it was K. Rool who would dole out the cash. Furthermore, the idea of creating Pokémon super clones had been K. Rool's—he wanted a few for himself and invested a considerable amount in the Mewtwo project. And K. Rool's investments had not been limited to money. Dr. Fuji's research—the cutting edge of genetics in the Pokémon world—was insufficient for the project. Only gene therapies from what Giovanni assumed was K. Rool's world bridged the gaps.

Still, K. Rool had paved the way for his own downfall. If Mewtwo understood that he owed his life to Giovanni, he would have unbreakable loyalty to him. Giovanni could then turn Mewtwo loose upon K. Rool, Team Rocket would be free, and Giovanni would have succeeded in every area where his mother failed. Maybe then she would be proud of him.

Giovanni banished those thoughts as soon as they entered his brain, and the normal chiseled granite look returned to his face. He was the leader of the most feared crime syndicate in the Pokémon world—not some pathetic little mama's boy.

 _Even if there is some truth in that_ , he thought his own voice said to him inside his head.

The electronic door slid open, as an out-of-breath Rocket Grunt burst. Giovanni and Dr. Fuji both turned to look at him.

"Boss, Dr. Fuji, we've got a problem!"

"What sort of problem?" Giovanni demanded.

"Me," a sickening voice entered Giovanni's ears as the all-too-familiar form of his Crocodilian benefactor entered, this time accompanied by a man with red hair, greenish skin, and a cape.

"Allow me to introduce my associate, Ganondorf," K. Rool gestured.

Ganondorf examined Giovanni for a minute before saying, "You will really have to tell me how thieves adapt to world as advanced as yours. I know it is inevitable, but I'm professionally interested."

"Another upstart crime lord from a backwater world you've taken under your wing?"

Ganondorf glared and lifted his hand, making a vice.

Giovanni felt his throat constrict.

"I'm a King and a wizard where I come from, not a simple criminal" Ganondorf released the vice and Giovanni gasped.

"And I'm a wealthy industrialist, who's growing a wizard," Giovanni said between gasps, pointing to Mewtwo.

"Ah, yes, about that," K. Rool said gleefully, "Mewtwo's not yours."

"You've already given me the research, K. Rool. You can't take him away."

K. Rool nodded.

"Your probably right," K. Rool admitted. "I'd like to have your best super clone, but I don't think I could take it…now the Emperor," K. Rool emphasized.

Giovanni's face paled. Was there someone higher than K. Rool?

"Dr. Fuji did most of the work on copying Mew's genome, but the enhancements came from Emperor Andross of Venom, _my_ chief backer."

Suddenly, Giovanni felt relieved. K. Rool was just a middle-man. All the power that the Kremling thought he had over Team Rocket was a sad attempt to make his own limited influence seem large.

Giovanni started to laugh before he brought his closed hand to his mouth and silenced himself.

"I'm sorry, but this is just too sad." He allowed himself a few chuckles. "I thought you were this overbearing tyrant—I was going to have Mewtwo kill you, but this is just too—you're the middle man!"

K. Rool's rage boiled over. "I'm no one's middle man! I have a plan to get rid of Andross and Team Rocket plays a vital role but will need to surrender Mewtwo to him."

"I'm not giving up my most powerful weapon!" Giovanni insisted.

Ganondorf had had enough.

"Okay, K. Rool, you've bungled it again, time for me to take over."

The Kremling King grunted in frustration before handing the floor to the Gerudo King.

"I have incredible magical powers. This Mewtwo will have incredible psychic powers. Andross thinks I'm loyal, but he is very unstable. He needs to go. Together, Mewtwo and I can destroy him. Furthermore, I can connect to Mewtwo. We were both born into lineages we didn't ask for."

Ganondorf would have mentioned Demise but Giovanni pre-empted him.

"No one is born into the lineage they asked for! My mother never showed me an ounce of compassion in the entire first thirty years of my life—"

Now Ganondorf interrupted.

"My body is the vessel of the Demon King Demise and all my plans to help my people go into his schemes." The golden emblem of the Triforce of Power appeared on Ganondorf's hand as he used its power to pull Giovanni closer to him.

"I have a monster inside me—don't you dare compare that to having a mother who didn't do her job!"

Giovanni looked pleadingly to K. Rool, who just smiled. Ganondorf was finally embracing his inner darkness.

"K. Rool, call him off," the usually proud Giovanni pleaded.

"Sorry, but Ganondorf doesn't take orders from anyone. He is right about your mother though. You should grow up."

Ganondorf then turned to K. Rool.

"You should take your own advice. He really has some emotional scars, however pathetic in comparison to mine, but you…you want to be evil just because you think it's cool. You are the most childish being here, K. Rool."

"At least Giovanni and I can choose our moral alignment. You are the fulfillment of a curse, designed for another's purposes, just like that clone in the tank."

Ganondorf couldn't stand to hear this. He, Ganondorf, not Demise, was the one Hyrule feared. He was no one's puppet. His rage grew until his body changed.

All the Team Rocket agents and scientists including Giovanni and Dr. Fuji looked on in terror as K. Rool laughed.

"Why are you laughing, Kremling?"

"Because you have just embraced your destiny, my porcine friend, and only in your beast form are you a match for Andross," then K. Rool looked at Giovanni menacingly, "…or Mewtwo."

Ganon could easily rule the multiverse if the right tools were in his hands. Feeling pleased with himself Ganon enveloped himself with a black whirlwind and returned to Gerudo form.

"I should really use my beast form more often," Ganondorf said.

Giovanni realized that he was medaling with powers beyond his control.

"Lord Ganondorf, what would you like to be done with project Mewtwo?"

Ganondorf looked at the sleeping feline in the jar.

"Keep the project going. We will deliver him to Andross, in due course."

Another thought hit Giovanni. Anything Ganondorf could do in his pig form, Mewtwo would also be able to do, and as a proud Persian owner, he could definitely say that cats were cooler than pigs.

"Very well, but do you think it is wise to let Andross have access to Mewtwo? It should know first who its real master is." Giovanni was, of course, referring to himself, but Ganondorf did not know that, did he?

K. Rool remained suspiciously silent. He was the "real master" of everyone involved in the discussion as he had manipulated both Ganondorf and Giovanni into doing his bidding without realizing it. Crocodiles had to be better than cats, pigs, turtles, penguins or primates (including the hairless ones). K. Rool stopped there for a moment. Which was Ganondorf: pig or human? It didn't really matter but it was confusing. K. Rool liked for classification systems to be neat.

"I think we have reached an amicable situation here," K. Rool said. He pointed to the tube, "Mewtwo's power," to himself, "My connections," to Giovanni, "Team Rocket's ruthlessness," and finally to Ganondorf, "and Ganondorf's terror." After a brief pause, he said "My friends, we are standing at the beginning of a new age, the age of darkness!"

"Why do you have to cast everything in terms of good or evil?" Giovanni quipped. "What I care about is efficiency."

K. Rool stared at Giovanni, his eyes burrowing into him. "Don't you like to break the law?"

"When it gets in my way. I'm a professional."

"As am I," Ganondorf said.

K. Rool was worried. That had been Ganon threatening Giovanni, not Ganondorf. He needed his Gerudo pawn to fully commit to his inner curse if he was going to steal it.

"Please, Ganondorf, you need to commit to your inner pig-monster. That is what makes you so terrifying."

"Don't worry about that, K. Rool. I need my beast form to deal with the rest of you. You all have so many issues and conflicting ambitions I can't afford to be weak. But I'm not serving Demise."

"Who is this 'Demise'?" Giovanni asked.

"Long story," was Ganondorf's only answer. K. Rool offered no comment. "What is important is that we overthrow Andross and control his empire."

"Can you at least tell me who Andross is?" Giovanni asked in desperation.

K. Rool sighed and said, "Sure. You need to know that much. He is the primate Emperor of the planet Venom. My dimension, different solar system. He was a brilliant scientist and commands the largest invasion force of any of us, but he is also completely out of touch with reality as a result of extensive experimentation on himself. He is a telepath and may be stronger than Mewtwo, though he constantly misreads minds."

"So we need our collective talents to topple him and put someone sane in charge of his resources." Giovanni obviously meant himself, and K. Rool knew it. Ganondorf may suspect as well but that was good. _It just means I'll be the one holding this shaky alliance together_.

"So how is our clone progressing," Ganondorf asked Dr. Fuji.

"Mewtwo is extremely healthy and should reach maturation within a few weeks."

"Good," Ganondorf said. "I will return to this realm to take custody of it then. I will probably need to stay in your world for a few months to bring…is Mewtwo male or female?"

"Male, but we commonly don't refer to Pokémon—"

Ganondorf shushed Dr. Fuji.

"This is no mere Pokémon. He will have human or Kremling level intelligence and need to be treated as one."

"Hopefully he'll be smarter than the average Kremling," Giovanni said.

"I will pretend I didn't here that," K. Rool said, and on realizing the danger of Mewtwo falling into Ganon's hands said, "I after all can always count on you Giovanni. It's why I picked you."

Giovanni felt his blood boil, realizing his only retort was _my mother picked me_.

"You are not just evil for the sake of being evil, K. Rool. You're a jerk." Then he looked at Ganondorf. " _I'm_ keeping Mewtwo until you tell me to move on Andross. I refuse to be the pawn of someone in an identity crisis."

Ganondorf was about to strike out with magic against Giovanni when he realized that the criminal was right. He was losing control to Demise.

"Very well, but I will return and Mewtwo had better be mine."


	7. Ridley J Scott or Coolness

AN: This story is only focusing on the villains I know enough to write about. It's also kind of meant as a prequel to _Fathers and Sons_ , my K. Rool/General Scales vs Bowser/Ludwig story. Yes, Scales is a Kremling/Sharpclaw hybrid in my headcanon. I'm thinking maybe something like _Ridley and Mewtwo's Morally Vague Alliance_ happens in between. And K. Rool still has all the DKC games to go through.

K. Rool and Ganondorf had spent hours wandering through the labyrinthine caves beneath the surface of planet Zebes. They must have passed that one particular v-shaped rock at least ten times. Oh,well…it gave K. Rool time to think…to think about what he'd prevented and what the cost was. He had successfully given Giovanni the idea that handing Mewtwo over to Ganon was a bad idea—but this would probably make Giovanni resist giving Mewtwo to Andross. Of course Andross would then just take Mewtwo and mold him himself. The clone could still end up becoming K. Rool's most dangerous rival—if Ganon didn't beat him to it.

K. Rool looked at Ganondorf. Here was the paradox: K. Rool need Ganondorf to embrace his inner pig-demon so K. Rool could use that strength in his own plans…but he couldn't let Ganon get too powerful and risk himself becoming a minion for the latter. In either event, he was going to have to face either Mewtwo or Ganon and win for his own plan to become the most powerful being in the multiverse to work. He was angry with the way the Team Rocket meeting went and he blamed Ganondorf for that failure.

"Why can't you just find a balance between your Gerudo self and your pig self!?" K. Rool demanded loudly. The echo down here seemed endless.

Ganondorf formed a ball of dark energy in his hand, ready to throw it at K. Rool. "Maybe if some genius Kremling King had never told me that my beast form was the reincarnation of Demise I could fully embrace it, but you are too worried about protecting your own scales and extending your own influence to notice!" His own voice was no less resonating.

"I thought I was motivating you! You have the potential to be the most evil being in the multiverse and bend Demise to your own will! Why wouldn't you want that?!"

"Because the only Gerudo who would have accepted that were Koume and Kotake and they're both dead! I want my people to rule Hyrule, but how can they do that if I destroy it?"

K. Rool through his hands up in defeat.

"I give up. You are just too much like Bowser. I don't know why I thought you'd be a good ally," K. Rool paused, realizing he could turn this complaint into a witty retort, "I must have been thinking of Demise! He could destroy Hyrule while I planned to steal his energy to rule the multiverse! But Demise and Mewtwo combined…I can't beat that!"

"No, you can't!" Ganondorf shouted in triumph "But _I_ can beat Andross!...with help."

"What?" K. Rool asked in confusion.

"You know Andross's weaknesses, his way of thinking, where to hurt him. It is not your destiny to be the Big Bad of the Multiverse, K. Rool. That's mine. But you can be the guy in the shadows with plans layered upon plans that the heroes never notice because the Big Bad has their attention. You are the Bigger Bad."

"Really?" K. Rool asked with newfound hope.

"Sure," Ganondorf said. _Feed his ego and you can use him_ , the Gerudo King thought.

"Would whoever it is out there shut up!" A mysterious gravely voice demanded. " _I'm_ the Big Bad!"

Whoever this was must be the "Ridley" that Andross had sent them to find.

"Are you Ridley?" Ganondorf asked.

"Listen, you are on the other side of a rock wall. Continue down the tunnel, two rights, a left, and you'll see a metallic door. Go in."

* * *

After fifteen minutes of walking, K. Rool and Ganondorf passed through metallic hallways and into a room filled with computers, reptilians, insectoids, and a giant…was that a dragon or a pterosaur?

"Yeah, this is part of our Zebes base. We're Space Pirates. I'm the leader here. Name's Scott, Ridley J. Got a good thing going on here right now, so explain how you two aren't going to ruin it."

Most of Ridley's tone, including the threat, seemed relaxed.

K. Rool was glad to see another saurian in such a position of command. Bowser didn't count. While his inner-fanboy was struggling to find words, Ganondorf took the iniative.

"O, Great Ridley, we are emissaries from Andross, Emperor of Venom, Conqueror of all Universes—"

Ridley held up a claw. "I'm not gonna do so good with a conqueror of all universes. I'm a pirate. I kinda thrive on disorder and chaos. I only take orders from High Command and our AI Mother Brain—when what she says is actually relevant. I mean she was made by the Chozo and turned on them, so I keep an eye on her."

K. Rool stepped in to bring his new idol into the fold.

"We have our own plans to deal with Andross in the end but think about the possibility. You could be the Emperor of all universes."

"Assuming I can get rid of you guys. You'll want to rule through me, I know how this works. Honestly, guys, I'm not that interested in politics. Chaos, destruction, getting even with the Feds, that's my thing."

"The Feds?" Ganondorf asked.

"The Federation, a vile government controlled mostly by the humans and some sell-outs. The humans make up almost all their military and consider themselves the pinnacle of evolution. They've nearly hunted my species to extinction and oppressed the homeworlds of some of my underlings here. So, I'm very much against law and order."

"But you'd be the one making the law and order," K. Rool said.

"I'm just not a builder," Ridley said, "more the opposite. I felt happiest when I was attacking the human colony K-2L, slaughtering a hole community. There was this cute little girl I almost took pity on but shook myself out of it. The humans couldn't save themselves. To stop me they had to blow their own colony up. I was hurt pretty bad but I got through it. The human flesh helped me regenerate my cells, and I'm thankful for the Space Pirate's experiments on me that made it possible."

"They gave you the ability to convert foreign cells into your own tissues?" K Rool asked, intrigued.

"No, my kind could always do that. The Space Pirates just enabled me to do that with humans without the side effects," Ridley clarified.

"Side-effects?"

"My kind knows that from our early contact that human are not good meals because they cause extreme nausea and upset stomachs. They also just don't taste good. Their cartilage is just too gristly. Thanks to my modification I got through without puking my guts out, but the taste was still horrible."

"Why?" Ganondorf asked.

"Why what?"

"Why would they give you special resistance to humans?"

"Oh, they didn't do that. They just enhanced my stomach. You never know when you could get stranded on a strange world and need a questionable food source."

"Ah."Ganondorf had to admit Ridley had a good point.

"The Space Pirate species is all about genetic enhancements. They have the humility to know that they aren't the pinnacle of evolution."

"Space Pirate species?" K. Rool asked. "You just said that you're some kind of endangered dragon-pterodactyl thing and your minions are from planets the Federation overran—"

" _Some_ of my minions, bud. Most are genuine article Space Pirates, just tweaked for this planet. They really are a tolerant group. I'm not one and I'm their most feared commander. They do want to rule the galaxy but they don't think that they are naturally better than anyone else. And there not stingy,about handing out enhancements."

"But Andross is exactly the same way!" Ganondorf insisted.

K. Rool knew that that notion would be dispelled on Ridley's first meeting with the Emperoro. He might not have thought snow monkeys were superior to any other species in the Lylat System but he was a cultural snob who thought the Cornerian culture that produced him was superior to any other, known or unknown. Everyone else needed to be "civilized."

"Do the Space Pirates make you adopt their culture?" K. Rool asked.

Ridley scoffed. "Other than the need to conquer everything, they are always changing. I have personally defined their entire concept of 'cool.' Techo-music, sassy disreprect to people who out rank you and getting away with if it your results back it up? Unknown by the Space Pirates until I came along. I'm not just their deadliest warrior, I'm their greatest celebrity."

"I'm the actual head of my government and starred in several Kremling movies," K. Rool said, his ego bruised.

"What's a movie?" Ganondorf asked.

"What planet is he from?" Ridley asked K. Rool.

"I actually don't know the planet's name just a country there…Hyrule…"

"I AM A GERUDO!" Ganondorf blazed with fury, turning into Ganon—not Demise—but Ganon. There world had no name so it all gets named for the Hylians. His Gerudo pride was injured. He didn't want to destroy everything, but he would do anything to secure the reputation of his people. He'd found the balance between Demise and Ganondorf—he had become Ganon.

The pig monster stood hulking, ready to tackle the space dragon…only to be stunned by painful fiery breath and thrown across the room when a spiked tail swept into him.

"Ow…" Ganon muttered pathetically as his body changed back into Gerudo form.

What K. Rool saw was nothing less than a paradigm shift. Andross was sure that Ganon was the most powerful villain, but Ridley had just crushed him. And Ridley wasn't even interested in an alliance! To top it all off, Ridley was a much cooler evil reptile than K. Rool.

"I can't believe the stupidity of it all!" K. Rool screamed. He pointed to Ridley, "You are the coolest evil reptile I have ever met and I can never compete with you, and _you_ ," he pointed to Ganondorf, "You aren't the king of evil, just another pathetic looser." Ganondorf groaned incoherently in response.

K. Rool started to cry and removed his crown. He held it in his hands.

"I just can't win. Not against you," he said to Ridley. "I'm an overweight weight buffoonish crocodile, you are the sleek bringer of death."

"Dude, go on a diet," Ridley said.

"I'm already on diet, you idiot!" K. Rool shot back, "And a strict exercise regimen! But to harm a child personally…that's a level of evil…"

"I had no choice. I was gonna destroy the whole colony. I actually didn't want to hurt a toddler."

K. Rool felt his heart rise.

"You didn't _want_ to harm her?"

"No. I'd do anything to an adult human, but I honestly lost track of the kid."

"If I found a Kong toddler, I'd try to electrocute it."

"Okay, you're sick."

"I just want to be the most evil! Isn't that why we're all in this business?"

"I'm here for money and revenge," Ridley said.

"Country…" Ganondorf seemed to mumble.

"And Bowser is for family, Giovanni for his mommy issues, Andross because he thinks he's good, Dedede because he might actually be good…I am the only one of us who wants to be evil just for the sake of being evil!" K. Rool said in triumph. Had he really been jealous of Ridley?

Suddenly there was a beeping noise.

"That's my wristband," K. Rool said. "Excuse me."

"Sure," Ridley replied.

K. Rool opened a panel on the wristband, pushed a button, and a hologram of a canine with sunglasses appeared.

"Is this King K. Rool?"

"Speaking."

"Emperor Andross has just been killed by Star Fox. Your services are no longer required."

The call ended as abruptly as it began.

"Glad I said 'no,'" Ridley said.

"Save it," K. Rool snapped. It had all been for nothing! Nothing! There was no space empire to command. Andross was supposed to conquer everything first, then Ganon would kill him, then K. Rool would kill the weakened Ganon. That was just not going to happen now. It had all been for nothing. Or had it…K. Rool now had a very simple goal…become more evil than Ridley…and idea of how to do it thanks to Dedede…starve DK Island!

Ganondorf muttered.

If K. Rool kept manipulating him, he still had an answer to Giovanni's Mewtwo. And when had had all of the Gerudo and Team Rocket's resources, as well as his own reputation as the destroyer of the DK Isles, he'd unleash havoc upon Bowser. It hadn't been a waste of time after all.


End file.
